Brits will openly talk about love, health and happiness, even illness and financial problems, but fall silent on the taboo topic of death. 30 million Brits will leave loved ones stressed, stranded and in turmoil as lack of conversation results in unanswered questions.
Although the nation is happy to discuss health problems, relationships and work issues with friends and family, over 30 million Brits are setting themselves up for heightened levels of distress after a loved one passes away all because they don’t like to talk about death, according to a new survey.
Research published by Sun Life Direct in 2010, reveals more than eight in 10 Brits avoid talking about death and leave important discussions on their funeral preferences and wishes until it is too late.
This means one in 10 people have had to organise a funeral without knowing the deceased’s wishes, heaping added stress and upheaval at a time when highly emotional family and partners are dealing with grief. 50% of Brits didn’t realise how little they knew until it was too late.
And even when the initial emotions about a loved one’s death are starting to settle, worry still racks almost half of the nation months after the funeral with over four in ten (41%) Brits concerned that the send-off they organised was not what the deceased would have wanted. Surprisingly, men worry the most (51% in comparison to 35% of women), with almost a third of men wishing they had taken the time to discuss their loved one’s wishes.
Anjula Sharma-Smith, from leading charity Cruse Bereavement Care said: “When someone dies – no matter what they die of or the circumstances it is always a shock. People can feel a whole range of emotions and to cope with the grieving process as well as having to organise a funeral can be overwhelming and stressful. A lot of people do not feel comfortable with talking to their loved ones about their death as people get upset, scared and also frightened as reality can strike home that we do all die. Sometimes people joke about it, some people just don’t get time to arrange things and many believe that it won’t happen to them. It is important to plan as this will help to take the pressure off and also for those that are left behind can fulfil their loved one’s wishes”.
Despite the ongoing distress caused by the lack of communication, the majority of the nation have not discussed their wishes (67%) with their loved ones and more than half (51%) are clueless of their partner’s wishes in the event of his or her death. Surprisingly almost half of over 55s have not yet struck up the conversation and worryingly, less than half of people with children had discussed who should look after them in the event both died.
The main reasons for avoiding the subject are:
- It is not something I need to discuss at the moment (21%)
- I haven’t given it a thought (15%)
- I don’t have specific wishes (13%)
- I feel uncomfortable (9%)
- It is a morbid subject (8%)
Almost a quarter of men don’t feel it is necessary to talk about death at the moment, compared to 19% of women and one in 10 over 55s have the same opinion.
Our ‘live now pay later’ culture means that four in 10 Brits have made no preparations in anticipation of death, with only 15% taking out life insurance and 14% outlining wishes in their wills.
Mark Howes from Sun Life Direct says: “Although we often assume death is something we can put off talking about with family until later, the research shows that many people have found not knowing their loved ones final wishes distressing, which could have been avoided. It is alarming to see how many people have experienced such pressure as well as the financial burden through not having any provisions in place. We hope this research encourages people to talk about death, despite it being a topic people prefer to avoid.”
Research also revealed that although Brits are most comfortable talking about personal matters with their partners (51%), friends of the same sex (21%) have replaced family as the people we next turn to: only 8% said they would talk to parents and 4% to siblings. Men are happy to chat about private matters with their female friends (8%) but just 3% of women are comfortable talking with their male friends. It seems we have become a largely secular society, less than 1% of Britons feel most comfortable discussing personal matters, marriage and relationships with a religious figure.
